how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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