im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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