just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Randomize
