You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
