My Higher Power is John Stamos
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
