Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
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