the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
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You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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