when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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