We won't sleep together?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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