ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
