I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
