when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Randomize
