3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so that wasnt chicken after all
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
