I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
