i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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