TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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