god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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