When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
