She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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