Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
