She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
