I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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