i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
