Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
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Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
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I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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