I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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