I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
It all started with a game of naked twister.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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