Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
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It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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