So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
