Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
