i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
