anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
