Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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