i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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