he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
