I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
