Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
