I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Are we still banned from the library?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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