Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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