i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
