Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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