I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
