my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
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