I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
