The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
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Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
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It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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