Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
COCAINE IS GR8
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
