in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Drake has all the answers
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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