I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
