Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize