I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
