Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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