It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
