I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
