he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
