we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
