Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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