What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
