you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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