It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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