i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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